As I sit and think, I’m often caught in several contradictory mindsets. I think I struggle with concepts that I’m “trying on” to see if I can play the mental gymnastics to really get where I need and want to be with it all.
I think also though there is this fear that if, once I get there, I’m not going to be the same and in that there’s a part of me which is sad to have lost something so important to me? But maybe that is the fear manifested, not something lost or gained.
I sit and wonder about how things could be, how they could have been. I think about the present, and what I want, what would that look like, how would that work, how would things be different?
A lot of what happens is because of the choices you’ve made, the places you occupy, the connections you keep.
I also think a lot about being alone and then feeling lonely, not in the sense that it’s anything meaningful. But it switches back and forth so much, like I will be sitting in the car and be like have I gone wrong, am I not getting what I want, am I creating this feeling, but then I’ll get a phone call or have a conversation with someone and it just melts away. I don’t know if that’s longing for, or just sporadic vapid synapse with nothing to offer but doubt.
I think it comes back to, if everything was worked out, sitting here fat and happy, would I change something? I guess the question there is to just ask. In that, we don’t know what we don’t know, and especially when it comes to people, what we don’t say, doesn’t get said.
Then again right back in fear. What if the answer is no, what if the answer is complicated, what if you can’t do what you want to, even if you want to.
The lessons I’ve learned through life is, don’t count your chickens before they hatch, and in many cases you have to wait, for things to fall into place.
Such is the nature of growth I suppose. Still, it’s nice to share in the experiences and moments. Here’s to a few more.
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